Coming Out
See also: Communicating in Difficult Situations‘Coming out’ is the process of disclosing your sexual orientation or identity to others. Unfortunately, it is the nature of the world that people are assumed to be heterosexual and cis-gender, unless they state otherwise. This means that the process of coming out only really applies to those who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, or otherwise not heterosexual and cis-gender (LGBTQ+).
Coming out is not a one-off event. People may choose to come out at different times to different people in their lives, or in different places—for example, at school, work or at home. They may also choose not to come out to certain people or in certain places or groups. The experience of coming out is also unique to each person. This page provides some ideas that you may wish to consider if you are thinking about coming out.
What is Coming Out?
Coming out is the process of disclosing your sexual orientation or identity (often, an LGBQT+ one) to someone else.
The origin of the phrase is potentially two-fold. In the early twentieth century, it was linked to the concept of a high-society debutante’s ‘coming out’ into society: being presented to society. It was therefore the idea of ‘coming out into’ homosexual society.
More recently, however—since the 1950s or so—the phrase has been extended to ‘coming out of the closet’. That is, before ‘coming out’, LGBQT+ people are ‘in the closet’ or ‘closeted’. They come out of the closet, into the freedom of being open about their sexuality.
Coming Out to Yourself
The first step in coming out—to anyone—is to understand and accept your own sexuality.
It is now widely accepted that sexuality and gender are not necessarily binary (that is, that you are not confined to being either male or female, or either heterosexual or LGBTQ+). Your sexual orientation and gender may be fluid in the moment, and may also change over time. However, they may also feel fixed—and that’s also fine.
The important consideration is that you find a way of thinking about yourself and your preferences that feels right to you—and also that you accept yourself as you are.
Our page on Self-Esteem may be helpful in enabling you to accept and value yourself in this way.
Coming Out to Others
Once you are clear about your own sexual preferences, you may choose to share your sexual orientation with others. However, you may also choose not to do so—or only to disclose information to certain people or groups, or in certain situations.
This is likely to depend on the implications of your disclosure. For example:
In some countries, homosexuality remains illegal. Coming out can therefore be dangerous, because you are effectively admitting to a crime.
There may also be implications for your living situation. For example if you are living with your parents, and they reject you when you come out, you may have nowhere to live, and no form of support. You might therefore choose to wait until you can support yourself, or you have moved out of your parents’ home.
Coming out can also have implications for your job and career, depending on what you do and where you live.
When considering whether to come out, you should therefore ask yourself about the risks associated. You may want to do some testing first. For example, you might ask people about their views on gay marriage, or about an openly gay celebrity. This will allow you to assess their views about homosexuality, and tell you whether it is likely to be ‘safe’ to come out to them.
However, it is important to be aware that this can only ever be a guide (see box).
WARNING! Views may change!
Be aware that people’s views (and level of acceptance and tolerance) may change when the situation becomes personal.
It is not unknown for people to be accepting of a friend’s child who is LGBQT+, but struggle to accept their own child coming out—and vice versa.
If you are considering coming out at work, you might also check whether your employer has policies that might affect you. For example, are there policies banning discrimination on the grounds of sexual orientation?
You should also consider not just the person you are telling, but those around them and you. For example, you might only tell one friend. However, once one person knows, it is likely that others will find out. It is hard to keep secrets, and they tend to slip out inadvertently. It is important to consider whether there are people or groups that you really do NOT want to know.
WARNING! There’s no going back!
You cannot ‘test the waters’ with coming out. There is unlikely to be an option to say ‘No, sorry, I didn’t mean it, it’s not true”, and certainly not to be believed if you try this.
Be very sure that you want to come out before you disclose anything to anyone.
How to Come Out
There is no right or wrong way to come out. It is entirely up to you how you do it, and indeed to whom.
You may want to plan ahead and consider aspects such as:
Person. Is there a particular person or group that you feel more comfortable coming out to? Are there people that you do NOT want to tell? Is it possible to compartmentalise your life so that only certain people find out?
Timing. Is there a better time? What would work best for you and for the person you want to come out to?
Place. Where will you choose? At home? Somewhere else? Where would you (and they) feel most comfortable?
Means. Do you want to tell someone face to face or by phone? Or would you rather send them a message or write them a letter?
In thinking about these issues, you may wish to consider possible responses and reactions to your disclosure. For example, might a negative reaction be worse or better in a public place?
Seize the day
Once you have decided that you want to come out to someone, it may be helpful to plan how you want to do it. However, you may also find that a suitable opportunity presents itself unexpectedly. If so, it’s a good idea to simply ‘seize the day’ and do it on the spot, even if it’s nothing like you’d planned.
‘Being Outed’
Being outed is when someone else discloses your sexual orientation or identity without your consent.
This does not have to be a deliberate act; the person making the disclosure may not even realise that the other person is not (fully) out. However, it can be extremely damaging to the person concerned, especially if it has ramifications for family relationships or their career.
You should therefore be extremely careful not to make any reference to anyone else’s sexual orientation unless they have already done so in that company.
Examples of inadvertent ‘outing’
People may be outed inadvertently in many different ways. Two real-life examples are:
- A student newspaper reported that two female students were thrown out of a bar for kissing, giving both their names. One of the two was not out—either to her parents or to the world more generally. When her parents were visiting the city that weekend, they saw a copy of the newspaper. Many other students who knew her also saw the report, and said to her that they had not realised that she was a lesbian.
- One teenager mentioned to the leader of a youth group that another girl at the group was in a very good mood because “the girl she likes agreed to go on a date with her”. The leader had not previously known about the girl’s orientation.
Neither of these situations had any negative consequences—but both might have done.
What Happens Next
Hopefully coming out is a positive experience. Your disclosure is accepted with pleasure, interest, equanimity or, at worst, indifference.
For most people, this is the case, and coming out generally has positive consequences. For example, research has found that people who conceal their sexuality are more likely to have poorer mental and physical health, and worse relationships, than those who are more open.
However, there is also considerable evidence that the effects of coming out are not related so much to coming out itself as to the reactions to it.
For young people in particular, coming out can lead to homelessness, via rejection by parents or other family members. Indeed, around 20% to 30% of homeless young people in the US identify as LGBTQ+—a far larger proportion than in the general population. Homelessness is associated with other problems, such as suicidal ideation, depression and substance abuse.
It is therefore important to consider what you will do if your disclosure is greeted with hostility.
This is especially true if you are dependent on other people for your living situation. It is a good idea to put together a ‘safety plan’ in advance, to ensure that you have somewhere to go, and someone to call on if you need. You should also make sure that you have money available, preferably in an account or form to which your family have no access.
Getting help
In the event that you end up having to leave your home unexpectedly as a result of coming out, and you can’t get to a trusted friend or relative, you can always call the police non-emergency number (in the UK, this is 101) and ask for help. They will have details of shelters for homeless people, or those who have experienced domestic violence, and will be able to help you find temporary accommodation.
Children and young people may also call Childline on 0800 1111 for help.
There are also helplines specifically designed for LGBTQ+ young people. In the UK, these include PACE Youth (an LGBTQ+ mental health and well-being charity) on 0207 700 1323.
A Final Thought
Coming out is a completely personal decision.
Whether you do it, to whom, when and how, is entirely up to you. There is no right or wrong decision here, only the right decision for you. There is, indeed, no obligation to tell anyone if you do not wish to, and especially if you feel that your safety may be compromised if you do. Living honestly is important—but not at the risk of your personal safety and well-being.