Delayed gratification is the ability to forgo a small immediate reward in the hope of a larger reward at a later date. It is an important life skill. There are many times in life when you will gain benefits from being able to wait for a reward rather than grasping the moment. Prioritising study over play, for example, will (hopefully) reap better exam grades and improved life chances.

Research over many years has shown that this association exists. Long-term studies show that people who were able to delay gratification as children grow up to be more successful in life. They have better exam grades, higher paid jobs, and better health and relationships. As a parent, therefore, it may be desirable to teach your children this important skill, and this page explains how you can do so.

Understanding Delayed Gratification

Researchers in psychology have been investigating delayed gratification for many years. The most famous series of experiments—and almost certainly the longest-lasting—are those carried out at Stanford in the 1960s and 1970s, involving marshmallows.

The original experiment tested whether children aged around 4 or 5 years old were capable of delaying eating a marshmallow for about 15 minutes, on the promise of being given two later.

As you might expect, some of the children were capable of waiting, and some were not.

Interestingly follow-up studies over around 40 years found that overwhelmingly, the children who were capable of waiting were generally more successful in life.

They had better social skills, better relationships, better exam grades and were generally more likely to succeed in what they chose to do. Of course, all these measures of success to some extent reward the ability to defer gratification. To succeed in exams, you need to be able to study hard beforehand—which means not going out to play or meet friends. To succeed at work, you need to be able to work hard and in a focused way when necessary.

Being able to delay gratification is therefore an important life skill.

There is more about this in our page on Delayed Gratification.

Teaching Delayed Gratification

These experiments and follow-up are extremely interesting, and also get almost all the publicity. However, they don’t give us much idea about how we could teach children this skill.

Fortunately, the original researchers carried out another series of studies with young children, and these provide more clues. In these studies, the children were divided into two groups.

• Group 1 were let down by the researchers. They experienced behaviours like the researchers giving them a sticker or some old crayons, and saying that they would return with more stickers, or better crayons—but then not doing so.

• Group 2 were given what they were promised. The researchers quickly returned with more and better stickers, or new crayons.

Both groups of children then took part in the marshmallow experiment. The results were stark.

Group 1, who had now been let down by the adults carrying out the study, simply ate the marshmallow straight away. They didn’t even bother to try to wait for the researcher to return.

Group 2, however, who had been taught that the adults were reliable, were far better able to wait. Most of them earned the reward.

What does this tell us about delayed gratification, and particularly about how to teach children this skill?

1. You have to believe that the wait will be worthwhile

You need to be confident that the reward will come, and that it will be worth waiting for.

The Group 2 children had learned that the researcher returned, and brought something better. They therefore trusted that this would happen again.

The same applies if you are teaching your children.

You have to be reliable about the reward. You have to show them that it will be delivered, and when you say.

It is no good promising something, and then not being able to deliver. If you tell your children that they cannot have a snack while you are out before lunch, but they can have a biscuit (cookie) for pudding when you get home, you’d better have that biscuit ready! If you don’t have any biscuits in the house, they will quickly learn that they cannot rely on you. They will certainly be far louder and more persistent about the pre-dinner snack next time.

It also follows that the ‘later’ reward must be something at least as desirable as the potential reward now. Why would you wait to eat the marshmallow if you were only going to get that one marshmallow later anyway?

2. You have to believe that you are capable of waiting.

The Group 2 children had learned that they could wait for the ‘better’ thing, because they had already done so. Children are very much creatures of the moment. When they want something, they want it now, not later.

You have to show them that they are capable of waiting.

Luckily, as the adult, you are usually in control of things like snacks, drinks and treats. They can’t just go and buy it for themselves, or take it out of the cupboard (provided you have placed it on a high shelf). You can therefore gently encourage them to wait, and show them that they are capable.

The key is doing this in small steps. Rome was not won in a day. A few minutes’ delay in getting a snack (while, for example, you finish what you were doing) can be built up to a much longer delay (until we get home and you have had lunch, for example). You may need to remind your children that they have managed this before.

3. Your environment can strongly affect your ability to wait.

The Group 1 children learned almost immediately that it just wasn’t worth waiting. Most of them did not hesitate to eat the marshmallow because they had no hope of a bigger reward later.

The same goes for the rest of us.

Your environment strongly conditions what you are prepared to accept, and how you behave. For example, if you are out somewhere, and every other child around is being given a snack, it is not reasonable to expect your child to wait until later. It is, however, reasonable to avoid the café, or to take a small healthy snack, and promise a biscuit after lunch.

4. Not everything is a teachable moment

When a child is tired and hungry is probably not the best time to try to teach delayed gratification. You may only get ‘immediate meltdown’. Emotions can also derail the ability to delay gratification.

It is wise to choose your moment for teaching and learning.

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A Final Thought: The Importance of Modelling

There is one final aspect of teaching delayed gratification to consider: your own behaviour.

Our page on Teaching Children Social Skills explains that children are far more likely to learn from your behaviour than from your words. You therefore need to demonstrate the value of delayed gratification in your own behaviour.

For example, you can’t expect your children to wait until after their meal for a biscuit if they see you eating a biscuit as you prepare their lunch. No, of course it won’t spoil your appetite—but they are unlikely to appreciate that point.

If you are always rushing out to spend your money on luxuries, you can’t expect your children to see the value of saving up their pocket money for something big. This is even more true if you always buy them the ‘something big’ when they have nagged you enough.

Always consider what you are showing your children in your own behaviour—and amend it if necessary.

Yes, this is hard. Yes, it is also important—for both you and your children.

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