Ending Friendships

Seven Overarching Strategies

One study found that people tend to use seven overarching strategies to end friendships.

These seven strategies were underpinned by an amazing 43 different actions, with some overlap between actions. The strategies ranged from ‘slow burn’ to ‘immediate termination’, and were broadly conceptualised as:

1. Stopping spending time with your friend

The first and perhaps most obvious strategy was simply to stop spending time with the (former) friend.

People described not calling them or contacting them, leaving them out of future plans, and minimising contact. This is not quite the same as ‘ghosting’ (which is described below), because you would still answer calls or speak to them if you met them: you just don’t seek them out in any way.

2. Explaining the situation

The second strategy is to have a conversation (in person or by phone, text or email) and explain openly and honestly that you no longer wish to be friends and why.

This is perhaps the most upfront and honest way to go about ending a friendship, but it does mean that there is unlikely to be any way back should you change your mind. However, it has the advantage that you may find that there was a misunderstanding somewhere. You might, in fact, start the conversation in a more inquiring frame of mind, and explain that you are not very happy in the friendship and why, and see if your friend is open to changing the parameters.

3. Communicating more distantly and formally

This strategy involves being less available in your communications.

For example, you might not reply immediately to messages, or return calls straight away. You would also be shorter in your responses, and not provide any unnecessary information or ‘small talk’.

4. Being unpleasant to or about your friend

The fourth strategy is to be unpleasant to your friend, or about them to others in the hope that word will get back to them.

The idea is to put them off you completely. This strategy is probably not recommended, because it really doesn’t make you look good. You are, in fact, likely to put everyone off you (and not just your former friend).

There is, in general, no need to be unpleasant to or about anyone.

5. Making excuses to avoid your friend

This strategy involves rejecting your friend’s approaches to you.

For example, you would not reply to messages, avoid invitations, and make excuses not to meet up. This strategy overlaps with both becoming more distant, and stopping spending time with your former friend, but is distinct in that it actively rejects their suggestions, rather than you not making suggestions to meet.

6. Gradual ‘fade-out’

This strategy is simply to disappear slowly from your friend’s life, a bit like the Cheshire Cat in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.

This time, it vanished quite slowly, beginning with the end of the tail, and ending with the grin, which remained some time after the rest of it had gone.

Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

You might, for example, indirectly distance yourself, or find ways to pull away that don’t involve saying or doing anything. This may happen without even trying, if one of you moves away, or your activities change and you no longer come into contact regularly.

7. ‘Ghosting’

This is where you disappear completely from your friend’s life.

You don’t contact them, you don’t respond to their messages or calls, you avoid them, including by avoiding places that they may go, and you might even block them on social media.

This strategy is more often discussed in the context of romantic relationships, but it can also happen in friendships. It is a fairly harsh way to end a friendship, because it leaves your friend wondering what they did. Again, it is not really recommended, because it tends to make you look bad, especially if you have mutual friends.

Choosing a Strategy

The most important step in ending a friendship is to choose the right strategy—for you and for the friendship.

Everyone is different, and so is every friendship. However, in practice, most people tend to use very similar approaches to end friendships (see box).

What do most people do?

The study that identified the seven strategies also looked at what people actually did in practice.

It found that most people went for a gradual fade-out. They tended to stop spending time together, but might also have a conversation about it. People were far less likely to use an immediate termination strategy such as ghosting or avoiding the other person.

In practice, many also used an approach that the study authors called compartmentalisation, or interacting in very specific contexts only (for example, at the school gates, or at family parties only, and never outside those situations). This was often seen as a way to start gradual termination.

It seems likely that a gradual fade-out is easier to manage when you have simply grown apart or away. You might want to have a conversation if you have had an argument, or you feel that something is really badly wrong between you. This is certainly preferable if you hope to repair the friendship, and may be especially worthwhile with a long-term friendship.

If the situation is really bad, you might never wish to talk to them again, and feel that the only approach is to ‘ghost’ them.

It is, however, worth being aware that your choice of strategy reflects more on you than on them.

You do not wish to get a reputation for ‘ghosting’ people when times are hard, or rejecting them for no obvious reason. Word gets around, and nobody wants unreliable or difficult friends. Indeed, the study found that conscientious people were far less likely to ‘ghost’ a friend.

There is also a secondary consideration. A passive strategy like drifting apart leaves room to reopen the friendship later—perhaps if your life circumstances change, and you come back into contact, or move closer again. An active rejection does not leave that option open, especially if either of you feels hurt by the break-up.

Case study: Changing over time

Megan and Lily became friends in their early twenties, when they worked for the same employer. They became close, and even shared a flat for a while.

However, Megan changed jobs, developed a long-term illness, and found it difficult to make and keep commitments. Lily understood the problem, but hated the feeling of being let down all the time. After one particular no-show, she told her mother that she didn’t want to be friends with Megan anymore.

“She’s so unreliable! I waited 2 hours this morning, and then she texted and said she’d overslept. I hate it. I’m not going to see her again.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t go that far,” her mother advised. “Just let it go. Arrange to meet somewhere local to you, or go to her house instead. You like her, you don’t want to lose her altogether.”

It was sound advice. The two women stayed gently in touch, and ten years later, found themselves living within a few miles of each other. They also had children of a very similar age. They started to spend time together again, and before long, their friendship was closer than it had ever been. Twenty years after that, and now 200 miles apart, they still made time to catch up regularly, making the effort to see each other whenever possible.

Finding Your Way

It is perhaps not surprising that most people choose a passive ‘fading away’ to end friendships. It is far less hurtful than many of the alternatives, and is particularly useful if you don’t really care enough to take any positive action.

It also leaves the option open to rebuild the friendship later—and that may be very positive for both of you.

Continue to:
Communicating in Difficult Situations
Breaking Up