Research shows that around 70% of relationships begin as friendships. That’s not ‘friends with benefits’ or ‘friendzone’ friendships, but genuine, equitable, friendships, where both parties are providing mutual support and help, and enjoy each other’s company without wanting more. Perhaps even more interestingly, only 18% of people became friends with their partner because they were romantically attracted to them. Indeed, friendships tended to last an average of almost two years before they moved to relationship status.

In other words, these are genuine friendships that have become long-term committed romantic relationships. But how do you take that step from friend to partner? How do you avoid falling into the ‘friendzone’ on the way? This page provides some ideas.

Avoiding the Friendzone

Our page on the friendzone explains that this is a term for a situation between two friends where there is a mismatch of romantic feelings. One of them would like a romantic relationship but the other would not.

A friendzone situation can either be unspoken or explicit. However, the term is probably more often used for an explicit situation, when one person has expressed feelings and the other has rejected the suggestion of a relationship.

The friendzone is an unstable situation. The declaration of feelings changes the friendship, and it is hard to rebuild it again. This can lead people to avoid declaring feelings.

However, given that around 70% of relationships were originally friendships, plenty of people are successfully avoiding the friendzone.

What are they doing differently?

The answer is that they are ‘reading the signs’ correctly. They have correctly identified that the interest is mutual, not one-sided, before making any kind of move or declaration.

Signs That a Relationship May be Possible

What are the signs that they are reading?

• There is likely to have been some mutual flirting. When you have made a flirtatious comment, they have responded in kind, or they have made flirtatious comments themselves. There may be mutual touching, smiling, and lots of eye contact. If you look at them in a group situation, and find that they’re looking at you even if neither of you is speaking, that’s a good sign.

• You are spending more time together one-on-one, without others around, and it is clear that you are both doing so intentionally. For example, you might see or hear them discouraging others from joining you when you’re going somewhere together (equally, if they seem perfectly happy for others to join you, that may be a sign that a relationship is not on the cards).

• Others have asked if you are dating, or commented that you seem to have a strong connection. You may not be the best judge of the signals that the two of you are giving out, but if others have noticed too, then that’s a sure sign that something has changed.

• You both prioritise each other, and to the same extent. You want to spend time together, look after each other, and do things for each other. You’re not feeling like you (or they) always give or want more.

Even if you are certain that you are seeing all these signs, you still need to consider whether it is right to say something.

There are some other questions and issues that you should consider first. In particular, are you both single, and do you want the same kind of relationship? If the answer to either of these is no, it is probably best not to say anything.

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When a Relationship is Unlikely to be an Option

Conversely, how can you recognise when a friendship is unlikely to develop into a relationship?

The first sign is if one person’s needs are already being fully met, either through the friendship itself or with that and other options.
For example, if one person is already in a relationship, even a long-distance one, they may be using a friendship to fill some of the needs that are not met by their partner, such as day-to-day companionship. However, they probably won’t be interested in taking it further.

The second sign is if you do not ‘match’ very well. It is a generalisation, but people do tend to be attracted to people who match them in ways such as level of education, social status and general attractiveness. It is much more comfortable to be with someone who is from the same social group, or has similar knowledge and understanding.

The third sign is if the friendship is unbalanced in some way. If one person seems to be doing more of the ‘heavy lifting’—giving all the lifts, making all the arrangements, or always being the one who makes the effort—that’s a good sign that this won’t progress. Why? Because unequal relationships are intrinsically unattractive.

It is, however, possible to ‘rebalance’ an unequal friendship (see box)—and this may actually give you a better chance of converting the friendship to a relationship if you wish to do so.

The actions set out in the box will help to rebalance any friendship, not just one that was heading into friendzone territory. They also show very clearly that moving beyond friendship is not really about the friendship itself, but about you.

• When you have good self-esteem, and you value yourself, but are not arrogant and self-focused, you are attractive.

• When you are needy, and clearly don’t value yourself enough, other people will probably not value you either.

Broaching the Subject

If you decide to mention your feelings, how should you go about it?

There are many different ways. These include a direct approach, a physical move, and asking someone else to mediate (see box).

Generally speaking, a direct approach is likely to be the most effective. Everyone is clear about what is happening, and it is very easy to say no.

Back to research again, all the evidence suggests that a polite request—whether for a date or more—is likely to be more successful than any other approach.

Managing the Fallout

What happens after your declaration?

Hopefully you have read the signs correctly, and your friend is interested in a relationship.

However, what if you’re wrong? It can be very difficult for a friendship to recover from this situation. It may be best to put some space between you for a while at least, while you decide whether you can still be friends. Once a little time has passed, you can start to rebuild a friendship (and our page on being friends with exes provides some advice that may be helpful).

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