The friendzone or friend zone is a slang term for a situation between two people in which one of them would like a romantic or sexual relationship, but the other would not.

The term seems to have entered common usage after an episode in the first series of the US sitcom Friends. In the episode, Joey explained to Ross that there was a short period when two people first meet during which they could start a romantic relationship. After that, he said, they were in the ‘friend zone’ and there was no way out.

The real question for most people is not so much what exactly counts as the friend zone, but how to deal with being put into it. For example, should you retain the friendship, or are things just too difficult once you have declared your feelings? Can you continue as before, or does the relationship inevitably change? Read on to find answers for these and more questions.

Defining the Friendzone

The terms ‘friend zone’ and ‘friendzone’ are used interchangeably, with dictionaries acknowledging both.

Friendzoning

There are two possible ways to enter the friendzone:

• Explicit.

  One of you expresses a wish for a romantic relationship and is turned down, “but we can still be friends”. In this scenario, both of you are aware that you are in the friendzone.

• Unspoken.

  You get to know each other as friends, often in a group. One of you either later develops a wish for a romantic relationship, or has been secretly wishing for this all along, but says nothing. This is probably less common, because most people will at least ask a question (see box).

It is possible that the other person may be completely unaware that a friendzone situation exists. However, research suggests that most of us are less subtle with our romantic signals than we think: those on the receiving end of romantic interest are usually aware of it. They may, however, prefer not to mention it to avoid changing the friendship or upsetting the group dynamics.

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An Unstable Situation

Being in the friendzone is intrinsically unstable.

One of you has tried to change the relationship in some way, and the other doesn’t want it to change. This means that one of you probably feels rejected. Friendships usually become more strained after this.

It is unlikely that you will ever be genuine friends under those circumstances.

True friendships are mutual and equitable. A friendship where one of you explicitly wants much more is neither of those, and is therefore uncomfortable. It is often best to walk away—whether you are friendzoning or being friendzoned.

The phrase “We can still be friends” actually often means “No, we can’t.”

Why, then, do people ‘stick around’ once they are in the friendzone?

Research shows that the person who has the romantic interest often believes that there is still a chance of a relationship, despite the other person turning them down. Indeed, those who initiate a friendzone situation (by asking) tend to believe that there is much greater romantic interest than is actually present. This suggests that they have failed to read the signals correctly, and continue to do so after rejection.

In other words, the rejected person doesn’t really accept the rejection in many cases.

This can be a problem, because it can lead to harassment. Once someone has said no, it really doesn’t pay to persist. They almost certainly won’t change their mind.

It is worth repeating: once you know that someone is not interested, and you are in the friendzone, it is best to walk away.

There is one exception. A long-term friendship is more likely than a relatively new one to survive one person expressing a romantic interest, and being turned down.

This is probably because there is more shared history in the friendship to fall back on, and help you to rebuild a stable relationship. It is also perhaps because there is more to lose by NOT rebuilding. However, you have to recognise that you cannot just ‘go back’ to the way things were once a romantic interest has been expressed. You have to rebuild a new friendship, and it is going to be subtly different—rather as you need to do after a romantic relationship if you wish to stay in touch.

Mutual Friendzoning

What if you both want a romantic relationship, but you feel it’s impossible for some reason?

Suppose, for example, that you became close to an ex’s friend. You agreed that you liked each other, and would have liked a romantic relationship, but it was not a good idea given your previous relationship.

Can you still be friends?

The answer to this is probably no.

There are two reasons for this.

• The first is that you simply won’t be able to have an equitable and full friendship. You may enjoy spending time together, but you won’t want to know about their dates, and they won’t want to know about yours.

• The second is that you will both be thinking about what ‘might have been’, and may be tempted to try it out. This is a bad idea for all the reasons that you originally decided. This will probably be worse for them than for you, because they are likely to remain friends with your ex. They will therefore be worrying about ‘betraying’ that friend.

It is probably fair to say that platonic friendships only work well when you are not attracted to each other.

Friendship should not be seen as a consolation prize when a romantic relationship is not available. Instead, it is a valuable prize in its own right—but only in the right circumstances.

Moving Out of the Friendzone

Is it possible to move out of the friendzone?

Joey from Friends says not.

However, experience (and research) suggests that this is not true.

A study in Canada found that 65% of heterosexual couples started as friends first. This rose to 85% of LGBTQ+ relationships. In fact, those couples reported that they were friends for an average of 22 months—nearly 2 years—before starting a relationship.

Perhaps the real issue is that the window of opportunity (as defined by Joey) actually lasts for a significant length of time.

Certainly as you get to know each other better, you can find that both a friendship and a spark develop. You identify mutual interests or you start to spend more time together and find that you really enjoy doing that. You may also find that there is a change in your relationship if your circumstances change. For example, if one or both of you split up with a long-term partner, a relationship might then become an option.

A Cautionary Thought

Marrying your best friend is a long-established issue in fiction. Films like When Harry Met Sally have established the idea firmly in the common mind.

Beware, though, of the danger of falling into a romantic relationship simply because you are good friends and neither of you has anyone else around.

If there is no ‘spark’ or ‘chemistry’ between you of any kind, it’s not a good idea.

Yes, people say that you should marry your best friend—but you also need to be sexually attracted to them for a marriage to work. Without that spark, a romantic relationship is likely to founder, and then you have also potentially lost a close friendship.

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