Friends and friendships are very important. They contribute to our overall happiness, they prevent us from being lonely and isolated, and help to improve our health. One study even showed that having friends can actually extend your life span, and that adults with strong social networks tended to live longer. There is a connection between social isolation and cardiovascular problems, which may be part of the explanation.

There is, however, an issue: it’s easy to make friends when you are a child, because you are with the same people every day at school, and you tend to share a lot of experiences. Unfortunately, though, it can be very hard to make friends as an adult. This page explains why that might be the case, and provides some ideas to help you to build new friendships as an adult.

Why is it Hard to Make Friends as an Adult?

The big question is why it is hard to make friends as an adult. The answer is often lack of opportunity.

Sociologist Rebecca G. Adams suggests that there are three ingredients necessary for friendship. You must have proximity, vulnerability, and repeated unplanned interactions.

When you are a child, or at college or university, you are surrounded by people of your own age. You spend a lot of time with the same people, and they see you when you are vulnerable as well as when you are achieving and happy. You are also encouraged to take part in organised extracurricular activities, which immediately puts you into contact with people who share your interests. From sport to music to debating, there are many, many chances to find your ‘tribe’ and make friends.

However, once you leave organised education, there are far fewer opportunities for proximity, vulnerability and repeated unplanned interactions. You are also less likely to come across people who share your interests.

Yes, you spend a lot of time with your colleagues at work—but a shared work environment may be the only thing that you have in common. For example, you are likely to work with people at a wide range of stages of life. Some will be early in their career, others much further on. Some will have children, others will not—and some will be grandparents. Work is also not necessarily a good environment for finding out about shared interests because you may be too busy working to explore outside interests.

Work also leads to a shortage of time for socialising. Family commitments that arise as you get older also tend to eat into the time available for socialising outside your family.

However, there are also other reasons why adults find it hard to make friends:

• As we get older, we tend to become more cautious about new people. We are less willing to open up and make ourselves vulnerable—which in turn makes it harder to make friends.

• Our social circles tend to have become established by adulthood. This is fine for those within them, but it makes it harder for others to break in.

• We tend not to try to initiate friendships for fear of rejection. We tend to underestimate how much others like us, and therefore hold ourselves more apart. This, in turn, makes us appear less friendly, and therefore makes it harder to make friends.

• We may simply become more selective about who we spend time with. When you have less time available because of work or family commitments, you value it more. You may therefore feel that it’s not worth spending time with people you don’t really like, because it’s hard enough to keep up with the friends that you already have.

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Making Friends as Adults: Top Tips

Once you understand what might be stopping you from making friends as an adult, it is relatively easy to come up with some strategies to overcome these barriers. For example:

1. Join a club

One of the easiest ways to find people with similar interests is to join a club for people with those interests.

The most obvious options are sports clubs or gyms, but there are plenty of others. Book clubs, for example, are springing up everywhere, giving you a chance to both read and socialise. Whatever your interests, you should be able to track down a community of like-minded individuals fairly locally. Taking up a new sport (or restarting an old one) is also a good way to get fit and improve your physical health, as well as helping you to feel better more generally.

There is more about this in our page on The Importance of Exercise.

2. Sign up for a class

A second option is to join a class to learn something new, or to improve your skills at an existing sport or practice.
This again has the advantage that you will meet people with similar interests. The advantage here is that you have a natural reason to suggest meeting up outside classes: so you can practice your new skills together. This will help to build your friendships with those in your class. Learning a new skill is also a good way to improve your wellbeing, so this might just be a win–win situation.

Get volunteering for a cause that matters to you

Local charities and voluntary groups will always welcome new helpers.

From youth groups to soup kitchens, food banks to charity shops, you will find like-minded individuals getting involved to help out with local causes. You’ll also have the satisfaction of giving something back to the community. It turns out that volunteering is another very good proven way to improve your personal wellbeing.

4. Tap into religious networks

Churches and other religious organisations tend to welcome potential new members with open arms.

If you are a church-goer and move into a new area, you will probably almost immediately find yourself with a new ready-made community at the local church. This option will obviously not be suitable if you are a firm atheist or even agnostic—but for believers it is a good way to find new friends.

5. Use technology such as MeetUps

There is something of a tendency to blame social media for all the world’s social ills, from loneliness to FOMO to social anxiety (and there is more about this in our page on Social Media and Mental Health). However, technology can also be a way to make contact with people as a step towards meeting in real life.

Obviously you should always be cautious when meeting up with individuals that you have encountered online.

However, sites like MeetUp are designed to enable groups with a common interest to come together online with a view towards meeting up in real life. They therefore provide a (relatively) safe opportunity to meet people who share your interests. From book clubs to a shared interest in particular software, there is a MeetUp for (almost) everyone.

6. Get involved in community events

Most local communities have plenty of events that you can get involved in.

Check out your local community centre to see what’s happening. This is particularly good if you have young children, because there are likely to be toddler groups and events for children, especially during school holidays. However, this approach also works for adults.

7. Use your family and friends

Your family and friends probably know lots of people that you would also like.

It’s worth using your contacts to build new networks, especially if you move to a new area. Ask your friends if they know anyone who lives near you, and then get in touch with that new person. They will likely be able to introduce you to other people—and suddenly you have a new network.

8. Remember that making friends takes effort

Looking back, it may feel like making friends was pretty effortless when you were a child. However, it probably wasn’t. You had to ask each other if you wanted to be friends, and you had to commit your time to each other, even if was only for a game of football or tag. At college or university, you had to go out and meet people, whether in bars or coffee shops, or at events. You had to chat to people you sat next to in lectures, and get to know each other.

It’s the same as an adult. You have to put in the time and effort to build a friendship. It doesn’t just happen. What’s more, the more effort that you put in, the greater the reward.

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A Final Thought

Life can sometimes seem to get in the way of making new friends as an adult.

However, it is important to make the effort to expand your social network, and make new friends. It is good for your mental health, and can even extend your lifespan. It is therefore well worth the effort.

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