Toxic Friendships

Recognising Toxic Friendships

First of all, let’s look at what does NOT constitute a toxic friendship.

A friendship is not toxic because you have had a disagreement.

Disagreements—if expressed respectfully and appropriately—are a healthy part of any relationship, including friendships.
A friendship—or perhaps more appropriately an acquaintanceship—is not toxic because you don’t really get on.

A personality clash may prevent a friendship from developing, but it isn’t toxic. The person with whom you have that clash may be toxic—but not because of the clash in itself.

Psychologists generally describe toxic friendships as those where one person is being emotionally or psychologically harmed or taken advantage of.

Friendships may be toxic even when you both believe that you are close friends. Someone might really believe that they are a good friend, but simultaneously be doing things that harm the other person.

Identifying Toxic Behaviours

There are certain behaviours that mark out a toxic friendship. These include:

Repeatedly ignoring boundaries.

We all set out boundaries in relationships, including friendships. These boundaries may be conscious or unconscious—and we may often only know that they are there when they are violated. A single violation of a boundary, especially one that has not been expressed, is NOT a sign of a toxic relationship.

However, multiple violations of clearly expressed boundaries is toxic

This is not good for you because it is upsetting to feel that someone does not respect your wishes.
Making cruel or unpleasant remarks about or to you

A joke is one thing. Friends joke to and about each other, and it’s normal. However, if the joking crosses a line into unpleasantness or cruelty, that may be a sign that the friendship is toxic.

If you express discomfort with a particular comment or remark, and those remarks continue, that is very definitely toxic.

True friends don’t want you to be uncomfortable. They don’t want or need to put you down. They value you as you are.
Talking or gossiping about you behind your back

Friends may legitimately talk together about other friends out of genuine concern. They may ask each other for advice about someone’s situation, and lean on each other to work out what to do when they are worried about a particular person.

This is not gossip, and neither is it toxic. You might not like it, but you have to recognise that it comes from a place of love and care.

It is, however, toxic when a friend talks about your situation to others—who may not be in your immediate friendship group—because it is interesting, exciting, or simply because it gives them attention. It is particularly toxic if the gossiping is done to make you look bad, or to isolate you from your other friends.
Not respecting your confidences or sharing conversations without permission

A linked issue is if a friend shares your confidences widely without your permission.
Again, it is not toxic if they are worried enough about you to share information with someone to find out how to help you.

However, it is toxic if you find that your private conversations have been shared with almost everyone you know for no real reason.
Taking advantage of you or someone else

Good friendships are based on reciprocation. You lean on each other when you need to, and you provide support when it is needed. You both give, and you both take.

In a toxic friendship, you are likely to find that you are doing all the giving.

Your friend always seems to need support and advice. However, when you ask them for help, they’re too busy, or not available. You may also find that they only get in touch when they need something from you. This is effectively a parasitic relationship, and best avoided.
Asking for more information or deeper commitment than they give

One sign of a potentially toxic friendship is inequality of emotional input.

For example, a friend might always seem to want to know more about your relationships, or your concerns, but never share very much about themselves. You don’t all have to share on every occasion, and it is not always appropriate to share if someone is having difficulties and needs advice. However, if one half of a friendship never shares anything on a deeper emotional level, that is unhealthy.

Four Types of Toxic Friends

Psychologists have also identified four different types of toxic friends:

1. The ‘stirrer’ delights in drama, and will happily create it if there’s none happening.

A private conversation with a ‘stirrer’ will never remain private. What’s more, your conversations will be shared in a way that upsets the maximum number of people. The ‘stirrer’ will be expressing distress that they shared information, but saying that they couldn’t stand by without saying something. They will paint you as the villain of the piece, and make it impossible for you to come back from that without looking like a bad friend.

2. The ‘faker’ is nice to your face but horrible behind your back.

They may gossip about you, and disparage you behind your back. Even to your face, compliments may come with a sting in the tail that makes you feel small or inferior. They will also deny that they ever said anything bad, including by saying it was ‘only a joke’.

3. The ‘hero’ believes that they are better than everyone else.

Their way is the only way to do anything, and anyone who provides alternative ideas needs to be discouraged quickly. They also have a tendency to try to leap in and ‘save’ things when they perceive that something might go wrong. They do not value other’s ideas or opinions, and try to take credit for everything.

4. The ‘victim’ won’t take responsibility, and always has an excuse for their behaviour.

This is often expressed in such a way that everyone feels sorry for them instead of you. Any attempt to get them to take responsibility for their bad behaviour leaves you looking bad.

The suggestion is that these behaviours—and indeed these types of friends—lack emotional intelligence. They are therefore neither safe nor comfortable to be around.

Addressing Toxic Behaviours

It is important to understand that people who engage in toxic behaviours are not necessarily malicious. The reasons for their behaviour may be rooted in childhood experience. They may not have had positive adult relationships to mimic as a child, and so their learned behaviours are unhealthy and unpleasant.

However, this is not an excuse for continuing to behave in these ways once they have been highlighted.

The first step in addressing any kind of toxic behaviour is a conversation with the person concerned. They may have no idea of their effect on you (and our page on Giving Feedback to a Partner may be helpful in showing how you can give feedback appropriately within a personal relationship).

This conversation should open the way to a stronger, more equitable friendship, with mutual respect of boundaries.

If, however, this does not happen, you need to recognise that this friendship is not good for you. Once you have set out boundaries and expectations, you should not tolerate them being repeatedly violated.

Someone who violates a boundary once may be thoughtless. Someone who does so repeatedly after being asked not to do so is either malicious or simply doesn’t care. You don’t want either of those in your life.

Our page on Ending Friendships may provide useful information about how to move away from toxic friends.

Trust Your Feelings

One very useful question to ask yourself to help you to identify potentially toxic friendships is:

“Do I feel better or worse about myself when I have spent time with this person?”

If the answer is invariably ‘worse’, then it’s probably time to find a new friend.

It is also a strong sign if you find yourself avoiding a friend and making excuses not to see them.

Ultimately, of course, nobody can tell you whether a particular friendship is toxic. However, your feelings are a very good guide. If a friendship makes you feel bad, it’s probably not good for you.

That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s toxic—but it does mean that you might want to focus on other friendships for a bit.

Continue to:
Breaking Up
Recognising and Managing Emotions