A ‘friends with benefits’ relationship is one that involves sex, but no romantic commitment. Unlike a hook-up or one-night stand, it is likely to be an ongoing arrangement, rather than a one-off. Friends with benefits have also generally known each other for a while before the arrangement started—hence the ‘friends’ element.

For many people, this may seem like the perfect relationship. There are no dates, no need to remember birthdays or anniversaries, no requirements to be faithful, simply ‘no strings attached’ sex. However, these arrangements also have their drawbacks. This page explains more.

Defining ‘Friends with Benefits’ Relationships

The only formal requirement for a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship is that it involves a couple who are friends, and who agree to a sexual relationship but no further commitment.

These relationships can be short- or long-term. However, there is a general understanding that a ‘friends with benefits’ (or FWB) relationship will end at some point. This is likely to happen when one or other partner finds someone with whom they wish to have a full romantic relationship. However, it can also happen simply because the arrangement no longer suits one or both.

This acceptance of ending is unlike a more committed romantic relationship, where the focus is on whether you want to spend the rest of your lives together. However, motivations can change, and it is not unknown for a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship to evolve into a long-term committed romantic relationship.

Perhaps the defining feature of ‘friends with benefits’ relationships is the juxtaposition of an ongoing arrangement with casual sex.

Most other casual sex arrangements tend to be short-term or even one-off. However, this defining feature can also lead to several problems and challenges, not least what happens when one person’s feelings change.

Challenges of ‘Friends with Benefits’ Relationships

The key challenge with ‘friends with benefits’ relationships is that they are fundamentally often about avoiding commitment.

This is fine—as long as that is what both people in the relationship want, and continue to want.

The problem is twofold.

First, people may enter a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship wanting more, but prepared to accept ‘friends with benefits’ if that is all that is on offer. This is a recipe for problems down the line, because it is fundamentally dishonest.

Second, feelings change. When you spend a lot of time with someone, and especially when you have sex with them, you naturally become closer. Bonding hormones like oxytocin are released when you cuddle or have sex, and that makes you feel more attached to each other. It can therefore be hard to maintain the detachment required for a ‘no strings’ relationship. However, it can also be challenging to risk ‘rocking the boat’ by confessing that your feelings have changed.

If one person wants more, and the other is not prepared to provide it, then the arrangement is likely to founder. The one who wants more may not want to take that risk, because they prefer to maintain the status quo.

This can mean that the relationship is not fully honest, and that is always potentially going to be a problem.

It is particularly likely to be a problem when one partner starts to date someone else. A ‘friends with benefits’ relationship is not a commitment, and certainly does not guarantee faithfulness. However, the other partner may find it difficult to accept the change, especially if the arrangement has continued for a while.

There is certainly no doubt that ‘friends with benefits’ relationships are complex, and can be both good and bad (see box).

There is also no doubt that friends with benefits have a poor track record of being able to maintain the friendship after they have decided to give up the ‘benefits’ aspect. When you enter this kind of arrangement, you should therefore ultimately be prepared to lose a friendship.

Another aspect that may be tricky is that when you are in a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship, you have less time to look around and be available to other potential partners.

This can mean that you miss out on potential relationships, and may also make you less likely to be prepared to commit to someone else (especially if you are starting to develop stronger feelings for your friend with benefits).

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When You Might Want a ‘Friends with Benefits’ Relationship

Research shows that people enter into ‘friends with benefits’ relationships for a range of reasons including:

• Sexuality, or a desire for sex;

• Emotional connection, or a desire for closeness;

• Relationship simplicity, or a desire for an easy and uncomplicated relationship that doesn’t cause any stress;

• Avoidance of a more serious relationship, that might involve exclusivity or romance, or simply emotional connection; and

• Seizing the moment, usually when both halves of the relationship found themselves single at the same time but do not necessarily see each other as long-term partner material.

Fundamentally, however, what lies at the root of these arrangements is a desire to avoid something in a committed romantic relationship.

Commentators have often suggested that there is also a question about whether men and women enter into ‘friends with benefits’ relationships for the same reasons, or even get the same benefits (see box).

Building a ‘Friends with Benefits’ Relationship

Knowing all this, is it possible to build a reasonable ‘friends with benefits’ relationship?

The answer is yes, provided you adhere to some basic rules.

1. You both have a full understanding and acceptance of the arrangement from the beginning

You need to understand fully what the arrangement will be, and what this will mean. For example, you won’t be able to rely on each other for emotional support. This won’t be your ‘plus one’ at weddings or family events, and you won’t be going out on dates. If you have a shared interest, you need to consider whether you will continue to pursue it, and whether that will be together or separately.

2. You set clear ground rules for the relationship and each other

This might be a ‘no strings attached’ relationship, but it still needs some negotiation and boundary-setting. Especially if you are friends, with a shared friend group, you need to be clear about whether you tell other people what you are doing, what happens if one of you wants to move on and see someone else, and so on. Areas that it is really important to discuss include:

• What you consent to—and what you don’t. Just because the sex is casual doesn’t mean that you don’t have boundaries.

• Whether you can see other people, or, for example, whether you need to tell each other first and/or end the arrangement.

• Duration of the arrangement, and particularly what will cause it to end. You might, for example, say that it ends when either one of you wants to see someone else, or that either of you may end the relationship at any time without giving a reason, or that you might try it for a month and then discuss the situation again.

These are important issues. Nobody wants to feel either used or disregarded. This is, after all, meant to be fun.

3. You communicate openly and honestly with each other

As in any other relationship, it is important to communicate, especially if your feelings or wishes change. Yes, it might mean that your arrangement founders—but an arrangement built on dishonesty is no good anyway.

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The Bottom Line

Fundamentally, if you are entering a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship, it is important that you do so with your eyes open.

You need to set clear expectations with each other from the start, and communicate openly and honestly if things change. ‘Friends with benefits’ can be fun, but it is not a relationship to slide into without considering and discussing the implications.

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